Wednesday, May 27, 2015

3 ways Jill Scott, and Black women, can attract a 'marriage-minded' Black man...

In 2011, Jill Scott 'tweeted' how she was considering becoming a part of an 'open relationship'. To which 'Chili', formerly of the girl-group, 'TLC', tweeted back: 'Hell naw to open relationships!'

And even Monique, the female comedian/actress, said she was actually in one of these relationships/marriages. And I think we all know how Will and Jada Smith get down after hours; I'll delve into why this trend is happening a little later on.

But back to Jill...

Now, grapevine says Jill's currently single; and she kinda' made this emphatically clear with her appearance on the Arsenio Hall show back in September of 2013. And how she made this clear was by her style of dress.

Gone was the natural hair, the dashiki, the Birkenstocks and the new bohemian/earth mother vibe. She traded all that in to look like some weave headed, 'round-the-way' girl, you can find on any city block. She was wearing what looked like eight-inch heels, a tight skirt and she had her breasts nearly falling out of a button up shirt.

I just shook my head.

I'm hoping she now realizes why I, and so many men, had a crush on her in the first place It's because she didn't look like 'Jenny from the block'. And I think the reason she donned that 'costume' is she thought it was the best way for a single mother to attract a 'marriage-minded' Black man.

So, in case she hasn't found him yet, I'd like to present 3 ways Jill and Black women in general, can attract that marriage-minded or long-term relationship minded Black man that everyone says there's a dearth of.

1st Way: Ladies...turn your sexuality ALL THE WAY DOWN!

And notice I didn’t say turn your sexuality ‘off’. Now, what I mean when I say turn your sexuality ‘down’ is a truly marriage-minded, or long-term relationship minded Black man, is thinking about having children FIRST AND SEX LAST!

I can hear all the Black women now saying, “Yeah, right.”

To Black women reading this: I'm not saying a marriage-minded Black man is not interested in sex, I'm saying he's probably middle-aged or close to it, so he's had his fill of 'young man's trysts' enough to realize that those women he's had 'flings' with aren't marriage material. See, the reason this man has more than likely made himself emotionally and financially stable, is so he can actually have kids and support them. And more often than not, he doesn't realize this himself. He just knows how he intrinsically wants or needs something more from a woman, than for her to be a 'friend with benefits'.

Now, let me make something emphatically clear...if you're an early 'twenty-something' Black woman who's enjoying going to clubs every weekend, and/or you're just looking to 'get your groove on'...this post isn't for you. Mind you, at your age there's nothing wrong with that, but I'm talking to Black women who are essentially looking for potential husbands. I'm not speaking to Black women, young or old, who are looking for 'Mr. Right now’. 

Ya' see, one thing we need to be when considering someone to date, whether it’s on a long-term basis or not, is HONEST WITH OURSELVES. If we can't do that, we can't be that with anyone else.

Moving on...

The common mistake I see women making when they want to attract a marriage-minded man is how they go into full 'vixen' mode. They put on the shiniest lip gloss, the reddest lip stick, the tightest, shortest skirts and the sheerest tops. And what they wind up attracting is a twenty or thirty-something man with testosterone squirting out his ears, who only wants to be with them for a night. Now don’t get me wrong, a marriage-minded Black man will look at you if you dress this way too; difference is, he's got the ability to look at you and PAST YOU, in search of a woman who looks like she's worthy of a long-term commitment.

Know that you wanna' put away the 'club gear' in favor of something loose and free-flowing. Lengthen your dress, lessen your make-up, lose the spandex, and put away the pumps! The marriage-minded man is looking for a woman who looks good 'naturally'. Trust me, he's already seen the highest heels and the Black woman wearing four blond weaves and he's not impressed.

You want to adopt a some-what 'matronly' look. Now, let me define what I mean when I use the term 'matronly'. I'm not saying you should look disheveled, frumpy or like you just threw on whatever was on your closet's floor; I'm saying in the case of the marriage-minded Black man, he wants to see more of YOU and less of what you bought at a store.

And for those Black women who are worried about attracting a ‘mama’s boy’ behind adopting a more matronly look; first off, more than likely, a mama’s boy isn’t going to be looking for a seriously committed or long-term relationship. If he is, than you’ll be able to distinguish a man from a mama’s boy from his possessions or lack thereof. If he hasn’t got his own place, you know this is a boy you shouldn’t be with…then you can decide how to phase him out of your life.

2nd Way: Ladies...if you see a Black man who you think might be marriage, or long-term relationship minded, and you want to date him...DON'T TALK TO, TOUCH OR SMILE AT HIM FIRST! LET HIM PURSUE YOU!

The rise of 'feminism' came about in the seventies, spear-headed by Gloria Steinem; who is/was a CIA agent. And basically, the tenets of this philosophy said women should be able to do anything a man can do. AND THEY CAN! But understand, unlike what you'll hear from white supremacist freemasonic frauds, like Steve Harvey, if you adopt the edicts of feminism, and wanna' 'think like a man'…YOU'RE GOING TO ACT LIKE ONE TOO!


And if you're currently a Black feminist, you should understand how feminism was created to get women into the american workforce, so this government could tax their salaries. White fascists couldn't do that, if women were staying at home, being housewives. This movement had nothing to do with female empowerment. ESPECIALLY FOR BLACK WOMEN!

And if you're a Black woman, who needs more proof of this, then you should know how Susan B. Anthony, along with other white women, stated when Frederick Douglass was trying to get the right for Black people to vote, that the Black Diaspora shouldn't get the right to vote before white women did. So white feminism, even before it wasn't called 'feminism', has nothing to do with the liberation of Black people.

I'm speaking on feminism, 'cause with its rise, Black women have been told it's okay to make the 'first move' on a man. And yes, this is socially acceptable, but it's wholly ineffective when you're looking for a man who’s marriage-minded. Let me explain why.

Ladies, if you were to go up to a man, and casually smile at him and say hello, the majority of you would probably feel this is a good way of getting to know, and/or, getting to date this man. But let me tell you what this man is thinking...

The man who sees you smiling at him, automatically thinks, she's good for SEX, BUT NOT A RELATIONSHIP! And this is regardless of ethnicity, 'cause I know some women will think this is only indicative of Black men.

The reason this happens is, a man seeing you randomly walking up to, or smiling and talking to him, automatically thinks you've done this with several other men; possibly that same day or night. And, on a deeper level, in his heart, he feels this is an indication of your being oversexed and from an unstable and abusive household. NOW, THIS MAY NOT BE TRUE...BUT THIS IS WHAT A MAN WILL THINK! And the last impression you want to make on a man, is this one.

So you might be thinking, if I don't talk to, touch or speak to this man first, how's he gonna' know I'm interested?

The best way to show a man this, is to get physically 'closer' to him, and start mirroring his movements. If you're in an office, and this man goes to the break room and gets a cup of coffee, get one yourself. Or, if you're at a social function, and he picks up one of the free beverages, grab one too. If you're sitting next to him, and he crosses his legs, do the same. If he puts his hand under his chin, subtly do this as well. Subtlety is the key! Now, any man with half a brain will pick on this, and start talking to you...THEN YOU'VE GOT HIM! ON YOUR TERMS! 

And the added benefit of this is, because you weren't perceived as making the 'first move', you'll make him feel like he PURSUED YOU! Which automatically makes you more of a prize to him; thus ladies, he’ll cater to more of your wants and needs.

And if this fails ladies…you can try eye contact. Now, I saved this for last because excessive eye contact can defeat your goal. If you're going to look at a man to let him know you find him attractive, do it for a SPLIT SECOND!

Looking at a man for more than this, denotes desperation; which in turn tells him again, that you may not be very selective about which kind of man you're attracted to. A three second look, can quickly turn into a stare.

And remember, I'm not writing this post for the Black woman who wants to 'casually date'; again, this is for a Black woman wanting a marriage-minded Black man, FOR REAL!

3rd Way: Ladies...LOSE THE ADORNMENTS!

Are you a Black woman who wears highlights in her hair? Or did you dye your short, natural hair, peroxide blond? Do you have a tongue, nipple and navel piercings? Or are you thinking about getting one or more tattoos?

Remember, in the case of attracting a marriage-minded Black man; every one of these, is a red flag.

Now, is there anything wrong with wearing tattoos and twelve earrings in each lobe? Of course not. But understand, excessive amounts of trinkets on a woman's body says to a marriage-minded man, that you’re probably materialistic and/or oversexed…especially in the case of tattoos.

When a man looks at a tattoo on a woman's body, no matter how well it's designed, all he sees is: Bob, Ted, James, Rick, George, Barron and Debra were here.

Again, is there anything wrong with wearing tattoos, of course not; but the woman trying to attract a marriage-minded Black man, has to begin thinking differently. Meaning, if you already have a tattoo, DONT' GET ANOTHER ONE! Take the twelve extra earrings out of each lobe and don't wear a ring on each finger. Like I've said before, the marriage-minded man wants to see more of YOU in a natural state.

Now that we've gotten those out of the way, let’s discuss two questions Black women must ask themselves, if they’re really serious about attracting this type of Black man.

Question 1: Do you know who you're attracting and who you're attracted to?

Now, in a previous post, I had this as a title, and it pertained more to every ethnic group; and it always will in terms of knowing what to personally expect in terms of dating. But in the case of Black women and men, this is an especially pertinent question, here's why...

Because Black men and women have the most genetic power to breed whites out of existence, we've been taught to hate ourselves and each other by white fascists, more than any other ethnic group on this planet. Now, you might be thinking, aw, that's hyperbolic non-sense. But every Black person needs to understand why the american school system, taught us our history was comprised solely of slavery and Martin Luthter King.

Now, let's take a look at MLK; a non-violent pacifist for Black human rights, who died violently. And understand, more than anyone else, white fascists want Black people to adopt the tenets of passive, non-violent resistance, because they fear the retribution that's due to them from our diaspora. Trust me, they know they've committed the world's greatest atrocities, and still do, to our people.

In the case of slavery, we’re mandated to learn this, as a method of imbuing america's Black Diaspora with insanely high amounts of shame. 

And what this did to us in pre, middle and high school, is reinforce reasons why we should hate ourselves for being Black. I remember telling a friend of mine, how a Black 'conscious' community's debate, nearly ended in fisticuffs. My friend promptly said, oh well, you know Black people sold each other into slavery...basically implying that we're just predisposed to hurt and hate each other. I had to tell him that whites sold each other into slavery too; I also had to tell him that the very word 'slave' comes from the 'Slavic' people, and how 'Yugoslavia' was named for its white slaves.

So beyond the fact that we each have to remember what kind of household we came from, because, if you come from an unstable and abusive household, you're gonna' be attracting and attracted to, people from unstable and abusive households; we have to come to terms with the fact that damn near every facet of the american social order, is socially engineered to keep the Black man and woman apart.

Don't believe me? All you gotta' do is look at the latest TV shows, movies and commercials. When's the last time you saw a TV show or movie about a Black man and woman who genuinely loved and cared about each other? Every time I turn on the TV, I see a Black man paired with a white woman, or a Black woman paired with a white man.

Which leads me to the second question...and Black women...this is the most important question, and point, of this whole post...


This is THE MOST important question any Black woman who's trying to attract a marriage-minded Black man, HAS to ask herself!

And I need every Black woman reading this to be completely honest with herself; 'cause this will determine whether you’ll have a real chance at being with a marriage-minded Black man, if you indeed want to be with one in the first place.

Did you grow up in a single-mother headed household where all you heard about Black men was, they're NO DAMN GOOD! Do you have a good relationship with your father? Was he in your life the majority of the time? Did you see a lot of Black men mistreat your mother?

Understand, if you're a Black woman who consciously or subconsciously hates Black men, then it's CHECK AND MATE...THE GAME'S OVER! In terms of finding or being with a marriage-minded Black man.

Also know, that the reason Jill Scott, Monique, and Will and Jada Smith are extolling the virtues of ‘open relationships’, is for two distinct reasons. One, they’re all white supremacist freemasons, who’ve been tasked to do this by their masters, to keep their celebrity status; and two, white fascists know, ‘open-relationhips’ are DOOMED RELATIONSHIPS! 

So Black men and women adopting this ‘trend’, would be kept out of traditional, monogamous, and potentially successful relationships; thus, we can be more separated than we already are. This is what I mean by every facet of the american social order being geared towards keeping the Black man from the Black woman.

But if you're a Black woman who’s still thinking: isn't every Black father just naturally absent from the home? Know, mine’s wasn't. And to expound on this point, I remember a Black woman asking Eddie Levert, the famous singer from the group, 'The O'jay's', why can't Black men stay with their families?

Now, what this woman didn't realize is, not only how white fascist social engineering played every part of separating the Black man and woman, but how it ultimately destroyed the Black ‘nuclear’ family; at least in america. And here's just one example...

The 'Black Wall Street', was an area in Tulsa, Oklahoma, where several Black men were millionaires behind owning banks, hospitals, retail stores, bus lines, airplanes, etc. And this was during the turn of the twentieth century. Under segregation, this area and areas like it fostered a cohesion between Black men and women, and the Black nuclear family was very much intact.

Problem is, white fascists thought Black people and their dollars were getting too powerful, and in 1921, they bombed the Black Wall Street.

But these fascists weren't stupid; they thought, if we keep these people segregated, they're just gonna' build back up their businesses, and we'll have to destroy these areas continually. So they wondered how they could get these Black dollars into their pockets, and keep them there more easily.

Enter 'integration' and Martin Luther King jr...

Now, these same white fascists understood how they'd conditioned us to love them and hate ourselves in the slave trade, so they knew we'd jump at the chance to just sit next to one of them. And with that negro preacher MLK at the helm, co-signing this, it was sure to be a hit with Black folks.

And it worked!

Black people gladly walked away from areas like the Black Wall Street, thinking we'd have more opportunity with our closer proximity to whites.

Now, whitey understood when we left our businesses, we'd be destitute and dependent on him.

If you've ever read the 'Willie Lynch Letter', and if you don't know what that is, google it; the main tenet of it is, that white fascists had to separate the Black woman from the Black man. So what these fascist-run institutions did was, knowing we'd be hard pressed for money, they gave Black women the government subsidies they'd need to survive...there was just one stipulation; THEY HAD TO GET RID OF THE BLACK MAN, TO QUALIFY FOR THEM!

And while the Black woman was kept dependent on this white fascist government, the Black man was kept destitute and was stereotyped as a criminal. This drove a wedge between us that exists, and has deepened, to this day.

So you see, integration was a trick played on the Black Diaspora…point blank, period.

Now, in conjunction with the american education that teaches us to hate ourselves and each other, is it any wonder that it’s so hard for Black men and women to form loving relationships?

So again, if you're a Black woman reading this, the question still stands: are you conditioned to hate Black men?

And how would you know if you are?

What would be helpful in finding this out is talking to a friend or relative who's seen you around Black men you've dated. Ask them candidly, did I look like I held any grudge or animosity towards them? Did I, or do I, act short-tempered around Black men?

Asking this of a Black male relative, who's seen you with a Black man you were dating, can be especially helpful; one you can trust to be truthful with you. Also, if you have a non-Black woman-friend, this person might have the ability to be a bit more objective, than the average Black person who's been conditioned with the same biases that’ve been bred into the Black Diaspora.

Let me also say this, I fancy myself a ‘Black Nationalist’; and my particular stripe of Black Nationalism deals with our being ‘hyper-self-aware’; especially pertaining to what’s going on in our subconscious minds. It’s why in my past posts, I talk about meditative techniques to recondition ourselves out of the white supremacist induced self-hatred, that’s practically force-fed into us, in the guise of an american education.

So dating for us, isn’t just about dating; it’s about realizing what’s been done to us, so Black men and women can see each other in a different light. And by acknowledging this, hopefully, it’ll kill off the bias of self-loathing that keeps us from loving ourselves and each other.

All my life, I’ve heard Black people say, we don’t stick together, and we don’t like working together; so with the aforementioned explanation of what’s been done to us; I hope any Black person reading this, now knows why.

Now, if you're a Black man reading this who considers himself marriage-minded, I've got a question for you: are you conditioned to hate Black women?

What I'm trying to get across, ad nauseum at this point, is...BOTH BLACK MEN AND BLACK WOMEN HAVE GOTTEN PLAYED!!

While we stay spittin' mad at each other, and wonder why there's so much dysfunction in our ethnic group, we have no idea how the head inbreds I call white fascists, have completely taught us to hate ourselves and each other.

Now, here's the real, real question to Black men and women reading this: if you have got the message of what whites have done to us, and why it's so hard for us to form loving relationships, ARE YOU WILLING TO DO THE WORK TO CHANGE?

See, some of us already know this, but just don't care. We're so comfortable in our conditioned self-hatred, that the overwhelming majority of us will go to our graves hating ourselves and everyone who looks like us.

So, I hope the majority of Black men and women reading this, will do the work necessary to rid themselves of our conditioned self-hatred. And whether you do this by meditating, chanting, positive visualization, etc. doesn't matter. 

Do what works best for you!

Now, I hope I've given Black men and women reading this some real food for thought. And I'm hoping this post gives every Black man or woman reading it a clue as to why you might have, or still now, feel negative about yourself and your people. 

And just knowing this, can help Black men and women see ourselves in a different light; so maybe it won't be such an ordeal for us to find that 'marriage-minded' Black man...or woman.


MontUHURU Mimia


If you'd like to read the first post I wrote on Jill Scott, you can do that here.


  1. My ex husband and I had a discussion. Now, in all this eradication of harmful psychological torment that was heaped on us, we missed something else, what then are women/men supposed to do in relationships, what are their roles and responsibilities? I mean let's be frank we were raised by parents who are also products of the same harmful system so we cannot eradicate everything. So we then have re-learn what our roles are because if they aren't to hate each other than what are they? Most men grow up ill-equipped to take on fatherly/husband roles whereas girls are more equipped to handle momoherhood.

    The headship arrangement is where black men are crippled. He doesn't know anything about his role and how to exercise that role. Men typically are uninvolved with sticking to principles that would provide his family with a better standards or living and a set of morals to live by to make his family productive, but black men are flagrantly absent in this part of a relationship. I am not pierced up or tattooed up in fact my belief system is,against mutilation so excessive piercing and tats aren't negotiable. Also the same set of beliefs makes men articulate, good speakers, good workers, leaders, well groomed and highly analytical and capable and bold. My husband had issues with this core of beliefs. He didn't like that he should make sure he was well dressed or orderly. He hated being disciplined by godly standards. Was he always like this? No. He became like this when he saw how progressive I was then he got jealous of my ability to out perform him. This was discussed before that we weren't competitive and that attitude doesn't have a place in a healthy relationship. I dress well I am complement and stared at often and told how modestly beautiful I am. That is what,awesome people the ability to attract with modesty. Yes it is possible. My husband called thus bourgeois I liked to dine in nice restuarants.i was bourgeois. I enjoy travel and different cultures. That made me bourgeois. I also cooked different t foods and have an insatiable appetite for learning and achieving things. I was bourgeois for that too. My husband saw fit to abuse me because he felt his woman was the only thing he had the right to control. Dogs are to be controlled not humans but still his mentality was somehow infected with Slavic ideals. He wanted me to not be better in fact he took delight in breaking my spirit something he didn't take the time to take the lead on. He was good on bed. This he was proud of. He saw himself simply as an object wheb I saw him as a person. So by the end our marriage we had two broken people. I asked was he happy about that?

    To be frank I am sick of hearing what the white system has done. Why? Because when a person repeats victimologies he stays a victim and is powerless to change. Now my ex Husband and I were aware of what the system did, this did not make our relationship better because what needs to be addressed is male/female roles not just cultural issues. I am sick of black men leaning on this same ideologies, not that it' isn't true, but it seems like this explanation of what whites did is more like a crutch now. It cripples black men from really seeing they have issued they need to face to run deeper than do you hate black women. Black men are insecure and seem to lack headship skills a d knowledge to stand comfortably and confidently in his role. Where can u learn that? If not from God?

    I watched my ex from my brand new truck I bought myself, my Anne Klein dress with matching shoes and my handbag and hair that is natural in them middle of my back and we'll kept for: an overweight woman who had tats, piercings everywhere she was unkempt and smelled of weed. She had four screaming kids in the back seat of her truck whose back window was gone and had a trash bag as a substition for a window.

    Question: did the white man make my ex husband do that?

  2. 'Saquorya'...

    I'm glad you took the time to make this comment.

    But I think my response would be too lengthy for this comment section, so stay tuned, 'cause I'm dedicating my next post to your question.

  3. Please don't make a follow up rebuttal making fun of me. I'm not an angry Black woman I truly am interested in why so many black men make the choices they do in relationships. Thank you for your response and I appreciate your Enlightenment on these subjects

  4. Most black men don't know what they want in life because they have never been asked, expected, or challenged to want anything in and out of life. This is evident in our black men going from house to house taking care of other peoples kids instead of their own.

    The role of a black woman today who has a black man is to gently push, prod, encourage and motivate him to start and finish the goals he dreams and talks to YOU about. For example, if your man is always talking about starting a barbecue truck business, you being the lady go sit beside him with your laptop and fill out the application with his inputs. I know that sounds elementary, but I have a lot of experience with helping black men achieve their desired goals. Sometimes, they need a little kindness from you and other times they need you to stand up to them with some confidence. It's a very delicate balance with a black man, and even then they still may go on to Keisha down the street.

    1. 'Veronica'...

      A 'marriage-minded' Black man is already 'goals-oriented'.

      He's already financially stable, if not secure, that's why he's marriage-minded.

      I wanted to make this distinction because I wouldn't advise ANY Black woman to date or marry a man who was shiftless or lacking motivation. Life is too short and hard to try to get someone else to be goals-oriented, while your trying to accomplish your own goals.

      Now, I know I took a chance on writing this post, 'cause a lot of Black women will look at this as an attack on them. But these are just some pointers, so to speak, for the Black woman who really wants to find a life-mate, not just a 'friend with benefits'.

      So what a marriage-minded Black man really needs from a Black woman is to give him the benefit of the doubt, more than anything, and let me explain what I mean...

      A marriage-minded Black man who is pursuing a certain goal and who makes a mistake along the way, needs a Black woman who will give him the benefit of the doubt that he's able to fix the problem. He needs to know that she'll stand by him in these times, rather than take the opportunity to tear him down. Also, she needs to give him the benefit of the doubt that he has the capacity to stay faithful to her, and not suspect that he'll be just like 'every other Black man', who'll jump in the sheets with any woman that smiles at him.

      So the real intent behind this post was to show Black women how to attract the long-term relationship oriented Black man.

      And I'd also say, that no Black man needs his hand held, we just need someone to have our backs when problems what Black women need us to do when they encounter life's travails.

      Thanks for commenting!